now we're gonna make it through. i'll break every single rule for you.

well i tried to at least anyway.

hmm. i think i have a problem. i'm about to be very honest. and not vague for once. so, savour.
alright. well .. my mother said something today that really made me think about the friends that i have or that i will make. she said that the friends you make at this kind of time in your life, high school etc., are the friends that are kind of likely to stick with you, and all the randoms don't matter because there isn't that same kind of bonding. because odds are, the randoms want to date you. its true, i have not made a single female friend by myself. like without the help of school and other kinds of togetherness-encouraging stuff.. and so i thought about everyone i know.. and then i got worried that maybe she's right.. that maybe the people that i know maybe don't care as much about me as i do them. or they are thinking something else to what i am thinking the relationship is going to be. maybe communication is the problem. i don't know. it kind of broke my heart a little bit, because i always thought that these things were simple.. but apparently maybe not. i don't know anymore. i don't feel good unless i am actually with them or speaking to them. and that's not good. i shouldn't even have to think about it at all right. but what could i expect though.. it took me my whole fucking life so far to make the best friends i could ever ask for. and that's not even that many, because it also took me this long to realise who is worth the stress. but now they are leaving, or have already left for university. so that's why i started thinking about who i'd have left here when they are gone. and .. it kind of boiled down to pretty much almost no one. maybe like 3 people. who i could rely on to be there for me if i ever needed them, if i ever got lonely and needed someone to talk to, or if i just felt like seeing them. and so 3 people is quite alot, but its not to the same intensity that 3 of my friends who have left would have made me feel. it just won't be the same. and i'm not sure that i know how to not have things this way.
wow.
i'm a bit lost right now. and i also don't know who to talk to.
maybe i'm expecting too much. i don't know. i don't know if friendship has like a universal (i'm starting to hate this word. thank you uwcsea) language and all that bullshit.. but for me, there is no point being friends unless you are very close.. because then that is called an acquaintance. how the hell is that word spelt? the occasional hello, running into eachother on the street, talking for maybe 5 minutes, plan to meet up but never do. that's fine, but then.. thats.. everyone.. .... .
man. i think mostly i'm just fucking sad that maybe i never did everything i could have done with the people who were closest to me.. i didn't go out as much as i could have, or should have, i didnt stay out long enough. every single minute is suddenly important now. but it's too late at the moment. because i miss them already. even though i'll be seeing most of them again in december, but only to leave them again in january.
but this is how it is i guess.
i wonder why it's affecting me so much. more than i expected. at first, the thought of them leaving wasn't too difficult, because i thought i'd still have people around but then i realised that maybe i don't. not in the way that i need them to be there for me.
i think i'm being really selfish.. and i'm sorry. but right now i need to get this out. otherwise i'll end up being bullied by myself again. i should be stronger than this.


i guess i need someone to take care of me.

meh. i'm sick of unreliable.







it's impossible to know how important someone is
and how you might have changed it all.