to be next to your bones.

Haha alright man I've really had enough of my bullshit stressing. I'm tired of it haha and whats stupid is that I could have said this from the start and convinced myself that its fucked up but somehow I was too cought up in it to think straight.

Its all stupid.

So.
On a pretty similarly unexciting note, I have a million things to do this weekend. I guess I'm going to the living through circuitry thing on saturday. Also have to go say bye to andrei but I refuse to go to crab world. And then sunday I think Womad with Carlos. Aaaand. Tomorrow is Anna's last day here. Going to cry. I've cried too much lately.. I'm going to dehydrate. But all my friends are leaving. So I think I have a pretty good excuse no?

I need to get back on track. It seems that bad things always happen at once.. So fuck knows.

Parachutes.

now we're gonna make it through. i'll break every single rule for you.

well i tried to at least anyway.

hmm. i think i have a problem. i'm about to be very honest. and not vague for once. so, savour.
alright. well .. my mother said something today that really made me think about the friends that i have or that i will make. she said that the friends you make at this kind of time in your life, high school etc., are the friends that are kind of likely to stick with you, and all the randoms don't matter because there isn't that same kind of bonding. because odds are, the randoms want to date you. its true, i have not made a single female friend by myself. like without the help of school and other kinds of togetherness-encouraging stuff.. and so i thought about everyone i know.. and then i got worried that maybe she's right.. that maybe the people that i know maybe don't care as much about me as i do them. or they are thinking something else to what i am thinking the relationship is going to be. maybe communication is the problem. i don't know. it kind of broke my heart a little bit, because i always thought that these things were simple.. but apparently maybe not. i don't know anymore. i don't feel good unless i am actually with them or speaking to them. and that's not good. i shouldn't even have to think about it at all right. but what could i expect though.. it took me my whole fucking life so far to make the best friends i could ever ask for. and that's not even that many, because it also took me this long to realise who is worth the stress. but now they are leaving, or have already left for university. so that's why i started thinking about who i'd have left here when they are gone. and .. it kind of boiled down to pretty much almost no one. maybe like 3 people. who i could rely on to be there for me if i ever needed them, if i ever got lonely and needed someone to talk to, or if i just felt like seeing them. and so 3 people is quite alot, but its not to the same intensity that 3 of my friends who have left would have made me feel. it just won't be the same. and i'm not sure that i know how to not have things this way.
wow.
i'm a bit lost right now. and i also don't know who to talk to.
maybe i'm expecting too much. i don't know. i don't know if friendship has like a universal (i'm starting to hate this word. thank you uwcsea) language and all that bullshit.. but for me, there is no point being friends unless you are very close.. because then that is called an acquaintance. how the hell is that word spelt? the occasional hello, running into eachother on the street, talking for maybe 5 minutes, plan to meet up but never do. that's fine, but then.. thats.. everyone.. .... .
man. i think mostly i'm just fucking sad that maybe i never did everything i could have done with the people who were closest to me.. i didn't go out as much as i could have, or should have, i didnt stay out long enough. every single minute is suddenly important now. but it's too late at the moment. because i miss them already. even though i'll be seeing most of them again in december, but only to leave them again in january.
but this is how it is i guess.
i wonder why it's affecting me so much. more than i expected. at first, the thought of them leaving wasn't too difficult, because i thought i'd still have people around but then i realised that maybe i don't. not in the way that i need them to be there for me.
i think i'm being really selfish.. and i'm sorry. but right now i need to get this out. otherwise i'll end up being bullied by myself again. i should be stronger than this.


i guess i need someone to take care of me.

meh. i'm sick of unreliable.







it's impossible to know how important someone is
and how you might have changed it all.

don't leave me for a second

because in that moment you'll have gone so far.





Time for something cute.

He loved her and she loved him. His kisses sucked out her whole past and future, or tried to. He had no other appetite. She bit him, she gnawed him, she sucked. She wanted him complete inside her, safe and sure forever and ever. Their little cries fluttered into the curtains.

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away. Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows, he gripped her hard so that life should not drag her from that moment. He wanted all future to cease, he wanted to topple with his arms round her off that moment's brink and into nothing. Or everlasting, or whatever there was.

Her embrace was an immense press to print him into her bones. Her smiles were spider bites so he would lie still till she felt hungry. His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway, her love-tricks were the grinding of locks, and their deep cries crawled over the floors like an animal dragging a great trap.

His vows pulled out all her sinews. He showed her how to make a love-knot.

Her vows put his eyes in formalin at the back of her secret drawers.

Their screams stuck in the wall.

Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop.

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs.
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage.In the morning they wore each other's face.

-Ted Hughes.

you'll never get to heaven if you break my heart

Hahahah I heard that on the radio this afternoon. Anyways. I just realised that all my ramblings are so depressing. So.. I have nothing to say that isn't right now haha but I will try.


I hung out with stew today after painting some murals with his friend Guy at Pitch Black. It was nice, I haven't seen him in soooo long. Months and months. He still looks the same as when I first met him. Haha "met" him, oh man, good times. I'm laughing. More like forced our (Nellie and I) friendship onto him and Ed hahahaha but we quickly laughed it off. Laughed at ourselves. A lot. What on earth were we doing man haha seriously. Anyways. That was like 5 years ago.

Besides that I have nothing else interesting to say.

Lots happening this week.


Nerm is leaving on Tuesday morning.
Tuesday night maybe maybe Home.
I might have to work on Wednesday night. You know I hate typing with capitals (sp?) haha usually I don't but now that I've started doing that on here I can't just stop. It will piss me off.
Anyways, Friday is Womad.. Same goes for Saturday and Sunday haha.
Saturday is also that electro thing.
BUT. Saturday Anna and Anant leave :(

Big sigh. My heart still hurts.
And soon Carlos will leave, and then what will I do? Alone. With people who I don't trust actually like me haha.

ok I said this post would be happier.
Today was okay. :)


OK OK i will not type anymore because when i type with capitals i feel like i need to sound formal. fuck it. i end up sounding like a dumbass.
anyways.
off to alice's.

cause when you're silent i hang onto every word.

Holy crap, I think I am going insane, for real.
I don't want what I get, and I don't get what I want, and what I end up getting wants what I don't want or need, and what I need is to get what I want.
But all I really want is to be happy, and sleep, and sleep while I'm happy so i can have nice dreams and wake up and feel good. Which involves sleeping with what I want HAHA. Just poking. But really. Every morning I wake up and I stress out thinking about and trying to remember what I have to do that day. Even when I have nothing to do. It's like school all over again.
And I hate that I'm leaving. But also I think I need to leave soon.

Oh man, my brain. And my heart.
Painful ah.

I need to sleep more.


THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM. But of course it is my fault. hahaha. I have bad timing. I always have. But since when did liking someone ever happen at a good time? Not for me.

OK GOODNIGHT

forgive me as i burn into the evening.

Someone requested this piece. So I'm painting it. It's similar to the UOB one except she wanted it as one piece instead of two put together. I'm tired but I'm working. What's new. But really I enjoy this haha.








Right, this is basically the same idea as usual. The sky and the ground form a tight embrace. They are hugging, and therefore create a straight line. The clouds are like hearts, they move and change and they are full but light. There are two, because it sounds much better if we're close together.

if this is the life then why does it feel so good to die today.

Metric's new old album is so damn good. I dont get it. Its their first album, released again. Its seriously better than any of their other stuff. besides a couple of other songs.
Anant got it for me, hes rather good at surprises.


I'm kind of stressed out man haha. I dont know.
I watched the Jackson Pollock movie with Endra. It stressed me out a little bit because I don't want to go insane. But then my dad was getting stressed that I wasn't home cos he wants to take me camera shopping tomorrow. Maybe thats the reason why I may go insane. Jackson Pollock didn't go insane, he was just an alcoholic that had a fucked up life, but such is the life of alcoholics and artists. And artists who are alcoholics haha.

I have a million things to do and I think its killing me.
I should stop talking about death. I've noticed that I mention that I'm going to die alot lately. But I really am stressed out. Even my mother has noticed. I don't know how.. Or maybe I was dreaming that.

I'm going to sleep now.




grow up and blow away. leave your eyes there for me to memorize.

Photo of the last piece i did for IB. Fuck you Hallmark, my work does not resemble your greeting cards. I'm still annoyed by that one comment. Sure, it's there for you to judge, but fuck dude, Hallmark is really crap.. and I understand when people say things about my work but have you seen Hallmark cards? "You feel alright to me" is not Hallmark. Fuck you. But thank you for 8 years of shit, UWCSEA, I have learnt a lot. A lot of what not to do. I will never forget it, or any of the crappy people that will continue to be shat out of that hole.

you told me you wanted to eat up my sadness.

i need to go outside.


im tired of unreliable. i need to be around people who wont stress me out.
because otherwise my heart may actually explode into a million smushy pieces. all over your fucking face because you thought i was patient. i am but theres only so much i can take.

anyways on a lighter note.
ive got lots of movies to watch in the near future.

i want him to hate me so you can love me on the sly.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

yeah i never thought i would get one of these. i used to have lj but i couldnt be fucked. ha, so we will see how long this lasts. if anyone reads it.

anyways, those were events of recent nights. and days. party party party. in the kitchen, in my mouth, and at home. good stuffs.