The Book of Disquiet

All of this comforts me with sadness. Perhaps one day, towards the end of the future, someone will write a poem about me. A breath of music or of a dream, of something that would make me almost feel, something that would make me not think.

I took a long time getting ready to exist. Sometimes I have the warm tears of those who don't have and never had a mother; and the eyes that burn with these dead tears burn inside my heart. I don't remember my mother, she died when I was one. My distracted and callous sensibility comes from the lack of that warmth and from the useless longing after kisses I don't remember. Ah, it's my longing for whom I might have been that distracts and torments me! Who would I be now if I'd recieved that affection that comes from the womb and is placed, through kisses, on a baby's face? Whoever held me as a child against her face couldn't hold me against her heart.

My skin and the skin of the pillowcase are like two people touching in the shadows. Even the ear on which I'm lying mathematically engraves itself on my brain. my dreams, they are so gentle that I keep dreaming them as I speak.

They all have, like me, their future in their past. He's not drunk, he's dreaming. He's attentive to what doesn't exist. Perhaps he still hopes. My eyes returned to the man's back, the window through which i saw these thoughts. I had the same sensation as when we watch someone sleep. When asleep we all become children again. This man's back is sleeping, His entire person, walking ahead of me at the very same speed, is sleeping. I look at the other people walking down this street, and I embrace each and every one of them with the same cold, absurd tenderness that came to me from the back of the unconscious man I'm following. Most people think with their feelings, whereas I feel with my thoughts.

I'm a well of gestures that haven't even all been traced in my mind, of words I haven't even thought to form on my lips, of dreams I forgot to dream to the end. Let's not forge to hate those who enjoy, just because they enjoy, and despise those who are happy, because we didn't know how to be happy like them.

I love it because I hate it. I like to look at it because I hate to feel it.

you don't listen to my stories anymore

and in the meantime i have nothing to say.

i'll always be by your side, even when you're down and out. i'll make your bed, i'll cook you food. i'd do these kinds of things, i'll be the best girl you'd ever meet. fill these spaces up with days. in my room. i can't sleep, i can't speak. all these years are locked in my drawer. you pulled me through time. it was always you.

i keep my distance but you still catch my eye, a face on a lover with a fire in his heart. all the things i've tried to say were never easy to explain, they were always meant for you. and all the pieces that remain will build a place for us to stay. they were always meant for you. its impossible to tell how important someone is, and what you might have missed out on, and how you might have changed it all. i think that if we were all we had, thats more than most people ever have. you know that something inside of you still plays a part in what i do. don't stop now that we're almost there. if you weren't real i would make you up. you're special, you're a rocket through me, honey bee.

and i miss you, even here taking it all in. the sand carries the moon on its shoulders, is it possible to put this night to tune and move it to you? don't cry i'll bring this home to you, if i can make this night light enough to move. and if you're gonna wake up, you might as well wake up with me. and if you're going downtown, i might as well be on your way. i need you in the world.

if you want to feel, then we better start touching. if you want water, then we better start crying. it you want tears, then we better start dying. waking up without you is like drinking from an empty glass. it only takes a moment to knot ourselves together, like the ends of a rope, longing to be knotted together. but even lovers have still lives, whole months where they hang together like moths. so from now on love, we will always be about to touch, always about to destroy each other.

your carpet is blue so that it matches your shoes, its like the way drains smoke in new york and its in everything you do. i've made up memories about you. its the way you talk in twos, it's like playing with your food. it's in everything you do. i miss you like the deserts miss the rain. take it slow, take it easy on me. it's the dirtiest clean i know.
you feel alright to me.
but we need hints before we get tired. cast some light, it will be alright. for now.
and while i'm waiting for something to say i'll love no one and let no one love me.

stop talking.

pangea, we used to be together, why'd we have to drift apart.

it sounds much better if we're close together. oh sweet dirty things, we could find an old boxcar in the woods to make our home. it was always for you. all the memories that remain will build a place for us to stay. step a little closer to me, so close that i can't see what's going on. you're my memories when i smell your skin. i wonder if she's what you need because you could be in my life like you've been on my mind. please hold onto me like melted butter, like snow that falls from above. i like the heat of things that speech cannot confirm.

when we find the perfect water, we'll hang out on the shore.

why does everyone like to put me in these situations? fuck you all.

i just recieved some exciting but stressful news.
and, i have to go to work soon. for an hour. steal some ice creams etc etc.


i'm kind of in the middle of things again. i think it might be time for change. either i need to get out of here, or i need to sort myself out. or possibly both. but strangely i am kind of enjoying this. hopefully i can cope for another 2 months. until my extended family returns haaaaaa.
december!

yes of course i miss you and i miss you bad,

but i also felt this way when i was still with you.
this is no longer mine, there's sadness written on every corner.




i think i may be getting sick from stress.

but. on a much lighter note. i still enjoy the little things like eating noodles in the middle of the night, and smoking on the balcony, staring at the sky, listening to music. this is all on the balcony still. and butterscotch shots, which i cannot locate anymore. so its not that bad.
but i am still quite stressed.

i miss the good times. i cannot wait until december. i have a feeling i will be very happy in december. like happiest all year. time apart is just too stressful for me when there is no communication. i hate the internet. this is why i could never possibly handle being married to a business man hahaha. business trips will stress me out. i guess i should learn to be less affected by everything, but then where will i go?



so i'm sorry if i disappear for a while.

all the things i've tried to say were never easy to explain..

i was looking through photos and i came across these. and i can actually say that i was really happy that night. around that time, were some good fucking times man. i'll never forget it. best times this year. first half of this year basically. after january. i miss you jen. i miss you anant.

there were good times recently too. but few. special ones.

so i don't know what will happen.

THE FUTURE FREAKS ME OUT. i'm on fire. haha brings back old times. but yeah really, im scared but also, fuck that.

this is not a love song

i love how they looked so good together, yet had no photos together. ha. i have no faith in marriage. but things are meant to be hard i guess. the savoury moments are the juicy tough ones, otherwise where is the sweet if there is no sour? mmmm. it becomes sweeter because of the sour. you'd think that my parents would become sweeter because they are so sour but no, ha it doesn't work that way, silly me. there will never be photos of us all together, because my dad is the one who takes photos. sad.

why isn't the internet working?

i want to go out and play with my new camera but i have no time. i'm very tired of working. and i'm tired of people leaving. damn you uwcsea for giving people the urge to fuck off to uni. no one ever comes back for good. because no one is singaporean. because singaporeans arent allowed to go to that school unless they make a big deal and have a big suitcase full of cash for some bizarre reason.

and while we are on this topic, whats going on here?! i mean haha what do i know, i can't even come up with the right kind of vocabulary to put out what i'm trying to say. but they are screwing it up slowly for themselves. i dont think its going to work, the casino, all the new buildings that will cost your organs, a few arms and all your legs to live in, all the new hotels. singapore is very green, i agree, but they are plucking out all the trees for this. and planting bushes. i'm ranting and it's not making sense because its quite an effort for me to think of words to describe this haha.

but i don't get it. confuse.

"unfolds feelings you might have trashed"

Initially a ‘t- shirt publication’ formed by two lonely designers from east London, in attempt to document emotions, statements, expressions that conditions human idiosyncrasies, T-BOOK is now full apparel collection.
Perennially love-struck, their t-sare coming apart at the seams with rose-coloured storylines and mix and match words for every guy and gal who wears their heart on their sleeve.
This season sees T-BOOK ’s pages clouded by lonely hearts, pining like MISSING MACHINES. Machines, as a visual metaphor for the relentlessness of missing someone. Or rather, today’s machines such as phones and clocks and laptops, that keep love together or apart.
Cogs and nuts and bolts became beautiful pattern prints on garments, as if the clothes are the machines that unleash what the hearts want to say, very boldly, ‘I MISS U’ or ‘LOVE DON”T WEAR AWAY’. There are also cheeky ‘SO LONG’ mitten scarves and sleeves to hold your person from faraway.


i love it.
missing machines. oh my god.

i won't forget, i won't forget.

the way you said move on, move on, there's nothing changing. and while i'm waiting for something to say, how will you know if he's kind? i will wait for you, but please come soon. you've seen more than we know, hold on. in the meantime, i have nothing to say. happiness only reminds me of the people i hurt and the mistakes that i made when i was down. where are you going? i want to find love here. i knew somehow, when you looked up and over me. it means nothing to you. you could go all day and not make a sound. you make me lonely when you're here. when you're not here.

yeaah so, it kind of occured to me today that i'm slowly losing my mind. even with all the people that i know, somehow, i just don't spend enough time with them to feel like it was like most excellent savoury times. its stressing me out because i want to spend more time with everyone but i have a million things to do all the time. it's been ages since i stayed out all night with someone and just talked. ok that was a lie, i did it on tuesday with ed, and that was probably the first time we actually hung out like that, and it was weird and wonderful. which is why i'm suddenly thinking that i need to do this more often because its what we need. to save us haha corny. i don't need a boyfriend, as my mother seems to think otherwise. fill up these spaces with days.

things that have happened in the past. that have probably pushed me in this direction. today, my mother told me that when i was born, her mother was the one that took care of me when my mother couldnt handle it, which was often. and then i thought.. what if thats the reason i feel like crying every time i think about my grandmother? i miss her so much, even when i see her, because i know that i've missed out on so much with her. this weird attatchment i have to her is cos she was the one that was there for me, she was the face that i saw. and then now i hardly see her and it breaks my heart. and i also thought about why i also feel this way about my father.. even though he is here often enough. he's the most annoying person i've ever known in my entire life but i still feel like this. time feels wasted, and the future feels pushed for time. i'm not making the most of this time, when i should. i think that this is what is really bothering me, that there isn't enough time for anything and anyone. i mean, there is, but also, its never enough.

it's too much thinking to wrap myself around right now. i'm tired. there is this annoying beeping sound coming from outside and it's distracting me. i thought it was my alarm clock first, then i thought it was my phone.. but soon realised it wasnt even inside my house.

now i've lost what i was saying.

and while i'm waiting,

and in the meantime,
i have nothing to say.
for no one.

the construction sites are lovely. i want to go inside, but i'm not sure if they would let me, and i'm not sure if it is safe. for a large number of reasons.

you're not burning enough of your body to be loved.

haha i just watched 13 going on 30 and got really sad. how strange, maybe because that guy is so motherfucking hot, haha na, but yeah he is but no. i have no clue, what a strange feeling for such a crap movie.

anyways, i have nothing to say because i can't quite gather my thoughts right now.. so here's something to look at instead.

the view from outside the studio. it's not that nice, but it was a nice day. strange shadows and strangely gloomy and sunny at the same time. very bizarre. i like.

reminds me of edward hopper's paintings. great weather. wish it was like this every fucking day. i love it when you can feel a storm coming, and you're not in a rush to do anything so you just hang out with the weather and it holds you. haha sometimes, when it rains while its sunny i feel like its the end of the world. or when you can see a massive black cloud but underneath it, it's all bright and light. yesterday i saw on the roof of vivo city around 7pm and i swear it was like a fucking painting. i wanted it to stay that way forever. it was like a progression from left to right of blues to browns. and all the clouds were all puffy and smooth. and in the middle was a motherfucking rainbow. ugh.

but, if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. -Pablo Neruda

i cannot hear with these clouds in my ears.

to be next to your bones.

Haha alright man I've really had enough of my bullshit stressing. I'm tired of it haha and whats stupid is that I could have said this from the start and convinced myself that its fucked up but somehow I was too cought up in it to think straight.

Its all stupid.

So.
On a pretty similarly unexciting note, I have a million things to do this weekend. I guess I'm going to the living through circuitry thing on saturday. Also have to go say bye to andrei but I refuse to go to crab world. And then sunday I think Womad with Carlos. Aaaand. Tomorrow is Anna's last day here. Going to cry. I've cried too much lately.. I'm going to dehydrate. But all my friends are leaving. So I think I have a pretty good excuse no?

I need to get back on track. It seems that bad things always happen at once.. So fuck knows.

Parachutes.

now we're gonna make it through. i'll break every single rule for you.

well i tried to at least anyway.

hmm. i think i have a problem. i'm about to be very honest. and not vague for once. so, savour.
alright. well .. my mother said something today that really made me think about the friends that i have or that i will make. she said that the friends you make at this kind of time in your life, high school etc., are the friends that are kind of likely to stick with you, and all the randoms don't matter because there isn't that same kind of bonding. because odds are, the randoms want to date you. its true, i have not made a single female friend by myself. like without the help of school and other kinds of togetherness-encouraging stuff.. and so i thought about everyone i know.. and then i got worried that maybe she's right.. that maybe the people that i know maybe don't care as much about me as i do them. or they are thinking something else to what i am thinking the relationship is going to be. maybe communication is the problem. i don't know. it kind of broke my heart a little bit, because i always thought that these things were simple.. but apparently maybe not. i don't know anymore. i don't feel good unless i am actually with them or speaking to them. and that's not good. i shouldn't even have to think about it at all right. but what could i expect though.. it took me my whole fucking life so far to make the best friends i could ever ask for. and that's not even that many, because it also took me this long to realise who is worth the stress. but now they are leaving, or have already left for university. so that's why i started thinking about who i'd have left here when they are gone. and .. it kind of boiled down to pretty much almost no one. maybe like 3 people. who i could rely on to be there for me if i ever needed them, if i ever got lonely and needed someone to talk to, or if i just felt like seeing them. and so 3 people is quite alot, but its not to the same intensity that 3 of my friends who have left would have made me feel. it just won't be the same. and i'm not sure that i know how to not have things this way.
wow.
i'm a bit lost right now. and i also don't know who to talk to.
maybe i'm expecting too much. i don't know. i don't know if friendship has like a universal (i'm starting to hate this word. thank you uwcsea) language and all that bullshit.. but for me, there is no point being friends unless you are very close.. because then that is called an acquaintance. how the hell is that word spelt? the occasional hello, running into eachother on the street, talking for maybe 5 minutes, plan to meet up but never do. that's fine, but then.. thats.. everyone.. .... .
man. i think mostly i'm just fucking sad that maybe i never did everything i could have done with the people who were closest to me.. i didn't go out as much as i could have, or should have, i didnt stay out long enough. every single minute is suddenly important now. but it's too late at the moment. because i miss them already. even though i'll be seeing most of them again in december, but only to leave them again in january.
but this is how it is i guess.
i wonder why it's affecting me so much. more than i expected. at first, the thought of them leaving wasn't too difficult, because i thought i'd still have people around but then i realised that maybe i don't. not in the way that i need them to be there for me.
i think i'm being really selfish.. and i'm sorry. but right now i need to get this out. otherwise i'll end up being bullied by myself again. i should be stronger than this.


i guess i need someone to take care of me.

meh. i'm sick of unreliable.







it's impossible to know how important someone is
and how you might have changed it all.

don't leave me for a second

because in that moment you'll have gone so far.





Time for something cute.

He loved her and she loved him. His kisses sucked out her whole past and future, or tried to. He had no other appetite. She bit him, she gnawed him, she sucked. She wanted him complete inside her, safe and sure forever and ever. Their little cries fluttered into the curtains.

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away. Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows, he gripped her hard so that life should not drag her from that moment. He wanted all future to cease, he wanted to topple with his arms round her off that moment's brink and into nothing. Or everlasting, or whatever there was.

Her embrace was an immense press to print him into her bones. Her smiles were spider bites so he would lie still till she felt hungry. His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway, her love-tricks were the grinding of locks, and their deep cries crawled over the floors like an animal dragging a great trap.

His vows pulled out all her sinews. He showed her how to make a love-knot.

Her vows put his eyes in formalin at the back of her secret drawers.

Their screams stuck in the wall.

Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop.

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs.
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage.In the morning they wore each other's face.

-Ted Hughes.

you'll never get to heaven if you break my heart

Hahahah I heard that on the radio this afternoon. Anyways. I just realised that all my ramblings are so depressing. So.. I have nothing to say that isn't right now haha but I will try.


I hung out with stew today after painting some murals with his friend Guy at Pitch Black. It was nice, I haven't seen him in soooo long. Months and months. He still looks the same as when I first met him. Haha "met" him, oh man, good times. I'm laughing. More like forced our (Nellie and I) friendship onto him and Ed hahahaha but we quickly laughed it off. Laughed at ourselves. A lot. What on earth were we doing man haha seriously. Anyways. That was like 5 years ago.

Besides that I have nothing else interesting to say.

Lots happening this week.


Nerm is leaving on Tuesday morning.
Tuesday night maybe maybe Home.
I might have to work on Wednesday night. You know I hate typing with capitals (sp?) haha usually I don't but now that I've started doing that on here I can't just stop. It will piss me off.
Anyways, Friday is Womad.. Same goes for Saturday and Sunday haha.
Saturday is also that electro thing.
BUT. Saturday Anna and Anant leave :(

Big sigh. My heart still hurts.
And soon Carlos will leave, and then what will I do? Alone. With people who I don't trust actually like me haha.

ok I said this post would be happier.
Today was okay. :)


OK OK i will not type anymore because when i type with capitals i feel like i need to sound formal. fuck it. i end up sounding like a dumbass.
anyways.
off to alice's.

cause when you're silent i hang onto every word.

Holy crap, I think I am going insane, for real.
I don't want what I get, and I don't get what I want, and what I end up getting wants what I don't want or need, and what I need is to get what I want.
But all I really want is to be happy, and sleep, and sleep while I'm happy so i can have nice dreams and wake up and feel good. Which involves sleeping with what I want HAHA. Just poking. But really. Every morning I wake up and I stress out thinking about and trying to remember what I have to do that day. Even when I have nothing to do. It's like school all over again.
And I hate that I'm leaving. But also I think I need to leave soon.

Oh man, my brain. And my heart.
Painful ah.

I need to sleep more.


THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM. But of course it is my fault. hahaha. I have bad timing. I always have. But since when did liking someone ever happen at a good time? Not for me.

OK GOODNIGHT

forgive me as i burn into the evening.

Someone requested this piece. So I'm painting it. It's similar to the UOB one except she wanted it as one piece instead of two put together. I'm tired but I'm working. What's new. But really I enjoy this haha.








Right, this is basically the same idea as usual. The sky and the ground form a tight embrace. They are hugging, and therefore create a straight line. The clouds are like hearts, they move and change and they are full but light. There are two, because it sounds much better if we're close together.

if this is the life then why does it feel so good to die today.

Metric's new old album is so damn good. I dont get it. Its their first album, released again. Its seriously better than any of their other stuff. besides a couple of other songs.
Anant got it for me, hes rather good at surprises.


I'm kind of stressed out man haha. I dont know.
I watched the Jackson Pollock movie with Endra. It stressed me out a little bit because I don't want to go insane. But then my dad was getting stressed that I wasn't home cos he wants to take me camera shopping tomorrow. Maybe thats the reason why I may go insane. Jackson Pollock didn't go insane, he was just an alcoholic that had a fucked up life, but such is the life of alcoholics and artists. And artists who are alcoholics haha.

I have a million things to do and I think its killing me.
I should stop talking about death. I've noticed that I mention that I'm going to die alot lately. But I really am stressed out. Even my mother has noticed. I don't know how.. Or maybe I was dreaming that.

I'm going to sleep now.




grow up and blow away. leave your eyes there for me to memorize.

Photo of the last piece i did for IB. Fuck you Hallmark, my work does not resemble your greeting cards. I'm still annoyed by that one comment. Sure, it's there for you to judge, but fuck dude, Hallmark is really crap.. and I understand when people say things about my work but have you seen Hallmark cards? "You feel alright to me" is not Hallmark. Fuck you. But thank you for 8 years of shit, UWCSEA, I have learnt a lot. A lot of what not to do. I will never forget it, or any of the crappy people that will continue to be shat out of that hole.

you told me you wanted to eat up my sadness.

i need to go outside.


im tired of unreliable. i need to be around people who wont stress me out.
because otherwise my heart may actually explode into a million smushy pieces. all over your fucking face because you thought i was patient. i am but theres only so much i can take.

anyways on a lighter note.
ive got lots of movies to watch in the near future.

i want him to hate me so you can love me on the sly.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

yeah i never thought i would get one of these. i used to have lj but i couldnt be fucked. ha, so we will see how long this lasts. if anyone reads it.

anyways, those were events of recent nights. and days. party party party. in the kitchen, in my mouth, and at home. good stuffs.