yes of course i miss you and i miss you bad,

but i also felt this way when i was still with you.
this is no longer mine, there's sadness written on every corner.




i think i may be getting sick from stress.

but. on a much lighter note. i still enjoy the little things like eating noodles in the middle of the night, and smoking on the balcony, staring at the sky, listening to music. this is all on the balcony still. and butterscotch shots, which i cannot locate anymore. so its not that bad.
but i am still quite stressed.

i miss the good times. i cannot wait until december. i have a feeling i will be very happy in december. like happiest all year. time apart is just too stressful for me when there is no communication. i hate the internet. this is why i could never possibly handle being married to a business man hahaha. business trips will stress me out. i guess i should learn to be less affected by everything, but then where will i go?



so i'm sorry if i disappear for a while.

all the things i've tried to say were never easy to explain..

i was looking through photos and i came across these. and i can actually say that i was really happy that night. around that time, were some good fucking times man. i'll never forget it. best times this year. first half of this year basically. after january. i miss you jen. i miss you anant.

there were good times recently too. but few. special ones.

so i don't know what will happen.

THE FUTURE FREAKS ME OUT. i'm on fire. haha brings back old times. but yeah really, im scared but also, fuck that.

this is not a love song

i love how they looked so good together, yet had no photos together. ha. i have no faith in marriage. but things are meant to be hard i guess. the savoury moments are the juicy tough ones, otherwise where is the sweet if there is no sour? mmmm. it becomes sweeter because of the sour. you'd think that my parents would become sweeter because they are so sour but no, ha it doesn't work that way, silly me. there will never be photos of us all together, because my dad is the one who takes photos. sad.

why isn't the internet working?

i want to go out and play with my new camera but i have no time. i'm very tired of working. and i'm tired of people leaving. damn you uwcsea for giving people the urge to fuck off to uni. no one ever comes back for good. because no one is singaporean. because singaporeans arent allowed to go to that school unless they make a big deal and have a big suitcase full of cash for some bizarre reason.

and while we are on this topic, whats going on here?! i mean haha what do i know, i can't even come up with the right kind of vocabulary to put out what i'm trying to say. but they are screwing it up slowly for themselves. i dont think its going to work, the casino, all the new buildings that will cost your organs, a few arms and all your legs to live in, all the new hotels. singapore is very green, i agree, but they are plucking out all the trees for this. and planting bushes. i'm ranting and it's not making sense because its quite an effort for me to think of words to describe this haha.

but i don't get it. confuse.

"unfolds feelings you might have trashed"

Initially a ‘t- shirt publication’ formed by two lonely designers from east London, in attempt to document emotions, statements, expressions that conditions human idiosyncrasies, T-BOOK is now full apparel collection.
Perennially love-struck, their t-sare coming apart at the seams with rose-coloured storylines and mix and match words for every guy and gal who wears their heart on their sleeve.
This season sees T-BOOK ’s pages clouded by lonely hearts, pining like MISSING MACHINES. Machines, as a visual metaphor for the relentlessness of missing someone. Or rather, today’s machines such as phones and clocks and laptops, that keep love together or apart.
Cogs and nuts and bolts became beautiful pattern prints on garments, as if the clothes are the machines that unleash what the hearts want to say, very boldly, ‘I MISS U’ or ‘LOVE DON”T WEAR AWAY’. There are also cheeky ‘SO LONG’ mitten scarves and sleeves to hold your person from faraway.


i love it.
missing machines. oh my god.

i won't forget, i won't forget.

the way you said move on, move on, there's nothing changing. and while i'm waiting for something to say, how will you know if he's kind? i will wait for you, but please come soon. you've seen more than we know, hold on. in the meantime, i have nothing to say. happiness only reminds me of the people i hurt and the mistakes that i made when i was down. where are you going? i want to find love here. i knew somehow, when you looked up and over me. it means nothing to you. you could go all day and not make a sound. you make me lonely when you're here. when you're not here.

yeaah so, it kind of occured to me today that i'm slowly losing my mind. even with all the people that i know, somehow, i just don't spend enough time with them to feel like it was like most excellent savoury times. its stressing me out because i want to spend more time with everyone but i have a million things to do all the time. it's been ages since i stayed out all night with someone and just talked. ok that was a lie, i did it on tuesday with ed, and that was probably the first time we actually hung out like that, and it was weird and wonderful. which is why i'm suddenly thinking that i need to do this more often because its what we need. to save us haha corny. i don't need a boyfriend, as my mother seems to think otherwise. fill up these spaces with days.

things that have happened in the past. that have probably pushed me in this direction. today, my mother told me that when i was born, her mother was the one that took care of me when my mother couldnt handle it, which was often. and then i thought.. what if thats the reason i feel like crying every time i think about my grandmother? i miss her so much, even when i see her, because i know that i've missed out on so much with her. this weird attatchment i have to her is cos she was the one that was there for me, she was the face that i saw. and then now i hardly see her and it breaks my heart. and i also thought about why i also feel this way about my father.. even though he is here often enough. he's the most annoying person i've ever known in my entire life but i still feel like this. time feels wasted, and the future feels pushed for time. i'm not making the most of this time, when i should. i think that this is what is really bothering me, that there isn't enough time for anything and anyone. i mean, there is, but also, its never enough.

it's too much thinking to wrap myself around right now. i'm tired. there is this annoying beeping sound coming from outside and it's distracting me. i thought it was my alarm clock first, then i thought it was my phone.. but soon realised it wasnt even inside my house.

now i've lost what i was saying.

and while i'm waiting,

and in the meantime,
i have nothing to say.
for no one.

the construction sites are lovely. i want to go inside, but i'm not sure if they would let me, and i'm not sure if it is safe. for a large number of reasons.

you're not burning enough of your body to be loved.

haha i just watched 13 going on 30 and got really sad. how strange, maybe because that guy is so motherfucking hot, haha na, but yeah he is but no. i have no clue, what a strange feeling for such a crap movie.

anyways, i have nothing to say because i can't quite gather my thoughts right now.. so here's something to look at instead.

the view from outside the studio. it's not that nice, but it was a nice day. strange shadows and strangely gloomy and sunny at the same time. very bizarre. i like.

reminds me of edward hopper's paintings. great weather. wish it was like this every fucking day. i love it when you can feel a storm coming, and you're not in a rush to do anything so you just hang out with the weather and it holds you. haha sometimes, when it rains while its sunny i feel like its the end of the world. or when you can see a massive black cloud but underneath it, it's all bright and light. yesterday i saw on the roof of vivo city around 7pm and i swear it was like a fucking painting. i wanted it to stay that way forever. it was like a progression from left to right of blues to browns. and all the clouds were all puffy and smooth. and in the middle was a motherfucking rainbow. ugh.

but, if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. -Pablo Neruda

i cannot hear with these clouds in my ears.

to be next to your bones.

Haha alright man I've really had enough of my bullshit stressing. I'm tired of it haha and whats stupid is that I could have said this from the start and convinced myself that its fucked up but somehow I was too cought up in it to think straight.

Its all stupid.

So.
On a pretty similarly unexciting note, I have a million things to do this weekend. I guess I'm going to the living through circuitry thing on saturday. Also have to go say bye to andrei but I refuse to go to crab world. And then sunday I think Womad with Carlos. Aaaand. Tomorrow is Anna's last day here. Going to cry. I've cried too much lately.. I'm going to dehydrate. But all my friends are leaving. So I think I have a pretty good excuse no?

I need to get back on track. It seems that bad things always happen at once.. So fuck knows.

Parachutes.

now we're gonna make it through. i'll break every single rule for you.

well i tried to at least anyway.

hmm. i think i have a problem. i'm about to be very honest. and not vague for once. so, savour.
alright. well .. my mother said something today that really made me think about the friends that i have or that i will make. she said that the friends you make at this kind of time in your life, high school etc., are the friends that are kind of likely to stick with you, and all the randoms don't matter because there isn't that same kind of bonding. because odds are, the randoms want to date you. its true, i have not made a single female friend by myself. like without the help of school and other kinds of togetherness-encouraging stuff.. and so i thought about everyone i know.. and then i got worried that maybe she's right.. that maybe the people that i know maybe don't care as much about me as i do them. or they are thinking something else to what i am thinking the relationship is going to be. maybe communication is the problem. i don't know. it kind of broke my heart a little bit, because i always thought that these things were simple.. but apparently maybe not. i don't know anymore. i don't feel good unless i am actually with them or speaking to them. and that's not good. i shouldn't even have to think about it at all right. but what could i expect though.. it took me my whole fucking life so far to make the best friends i could ever ask for. and that's not even that many, because it also took me this long to realise who is worth the stress. but now they are leaving, or have already left for university. so that's why i started thinking about who i'd have left here when they are gone. and .. it kind of boiled down to pretty much almost no one. maybe like 3 people. who i could rely on to be there for me if i ever needed them, if i ever got lonely and needed someone to talk to, or if i just felt like seeing them. and so 3 people is quite alot, but its not to the same intensity that 3 of my friends who have left would have made me feel. it just won't be the same. and i'm not sure that i know how to not have things this way.
wow.
i'm a bit lost right now. and i also don't know who to talk to.
maybe i'm expecting too much. i don't know. i don't know if friendship has like a universal (i'm starting to hate this word. thank you uwcsea) language and all that bullshit.. but for me, there is no point being friends unless you are very close.. because then that is called an acquaintance. how the hell is that word spelt? the occasional hello, running into eachother on the street, talking for maybe 5 minutes, plan to meet up but never do. that's fine, but then.. thats.. everyone.. .... .
man. i think mostly i'm just fucking sad that maybe i never did everything i could have done with the people who were closest to me.. i didn't go out as much as i could have, or should have, i didnt stay out long enough. every single minute is suddenly important now. but it's too late at the moment. because i miss them already. even though i'll be seeing most of them again in december, but only to leave them again in january.
but this is how it is i guess.
i wonder why it's affecting me so much. more than i expected. at first, the thought of them leaving wasn't too difficult, because i thought i'd still have people around but then i realised that maybe i don't. not in the way that i need them to be there for me.
i think i'm being really selfish.. and i'm sorry. but right now i need to get this out. otherwise i'll end up being bullied by myself again. i should be stronger than this.


i guess i need someone to take care of me.

meh. i'm sick of unreliable.







it's impossible to know how important someone is
and how you might have changed it all.

don't leave me for a second

because in that moment you'll have gone so far.





Time for something cute.

He loved her and she loved him. His kisses sucked out her whole past and future, or tried to. He had no other appetite. She bit him, she gnawed him, she sucked. She wanted him complete inside her, safe and sure forever and ever. Their little cries fluttered into the curtains.

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away. Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows, he gripped her hard so that life should not drag her from that moment. He wanted all future to cease, he wanted to topple with his arms round her off that moment's brink and into nothing. Or everlasting, or whatever there was.

Her embrace was an immense press to print him into her bones. Her smiles were spider bites so he would lie still till she felt hungry. His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway, her love-tricks were the grinding of locks, and their deep cries crawled over the floors like an animal dragging a great trap.

His vows pulled out all her sinews. He showed her how to make a love-knot.

Her vows put his eyes in formalin at the back of her secret drawers.

Their screams stuck in the wall.

Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop.

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs.
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage.In the morning they wore each other's face.

-Ted Hughes.

you'll never get to heaven if you break my heart

Hahahah I heard that on the radio this afternoon. Anyways. I just realised that all my ramblings are so depressing. So.. I have nothing to say that isn't right now haha but I will try.


I hung out with stew today after painting some murals with his friend Guy at Pitch Black. It was nice, I haven't seen him in soooo long. Months and months. He still looks the same as when I first met him. Haha "met" him, oh man, good times. I'm laughing. More like forced our (Nellie and I) friendship onto him and Ed hahahaha but we quickly laughed it off. Laughed at ourselves. A lot. What on earth were we doing man haha seriously. Anyways. That was like 5 years ago.

Besides that I have nothing else interesting to say.

Lots happening this week.


Nerm is leaving on Tuesday morning.
Tuesday night maybe maybe Home.
I might have to work on Wednesday night. You know I hate typing with capitals (sp?) haha usually I don't but now that I've started doing that on here I can't just stop. It will piss me off.
Anyways, Friday is Womad.. Same goes for Saturday and Sunday haha.
Saturday is also that electro thing.
BUT. Saturday Anna and Anant leave :(

Big sigh. My heart still hurts.
And soon Carlos will leave, and then what will I do? Alone. With people who I don't trust actually like me haha.

ok I said this post would be happier.
Today was okay. :)


OK OK i will not type anymore because when i type with capitals i feel like i need to sound formal. fuck it. i end up sounding like a dumbass.
anyways.
off to alice's.