i won't forget, i won't forget.

the way you said move on, move on, there's nothing changing. and while i'm waiting for something to say, how will you know if he's kind? i will wait for you, but please come soon. you've seen more than we know, hold on. in the meantime, i have nothing to say. happiness only reminds me of the people i hurt and the mistakes that i made when i was down. where are you going? i want to find love here. i knew somehow, when you looked up and over me. it means nothing to you. you could go all day and not make a sound. you make me lonely when you're here. when you're not here.

yeaah so, it kind of occured to me today that i'm slowly losing my mind. even with all the people that i know, somehow, i just don't spend enough time with them to feel like it was like most excellent savoury times. its stressing me out because i want to spend more time with everyone but i have a million things to do all the time. it's been ages since i stayed out all night with someone and just talked. ok that was a lie, i did it on tuesday with ed, and that was probably the first time we actually hung out like that, and it was weird and wonderful. which is why i'm suddenly thinking that i need to do this more often because its what we need. to save us haha corny. i don't need a boyfriend, as my mother seems to think otherwise. fill up these spaces with days.

things that have happened in the past. that have probably pushed me in this direction. today, my mother told me that when i was born, her mother was the one that took care of me when my mother couldnt handle it, which was often. and then i thought.. what if thats the reason i feel like crying every time i think about my grandmother? i miss her so much, even when i see her, because i know that i've missed out on so much with her. this weird attatchment i have to her is cos she was the one that was there for me, she was the face that i saw. and then now i hardly see her and it breaks my heart. and i also thought about why i also feel this way about my father.. even though he is here often enough. he's the most annoying person i've ever known in my entire life but i still feel like this. time feels wasted, and the future feels pushed for time. i'm not making the most of this time, when i should. i think that this is what is really bothering me, that there isn't enough time for anything and anyone. i mean, there is, but also, its never enough.

it's too much thinking to wrap myself around right now. i'm tired. there is this annoying beeping sound coming from outside and it's distracting me. i thought it was my alarm clock first, then i thought it was my phone.. but soon realised it wasnt even inside my house.

now i've lost what i was saying.