yes of course i miss you and i miss you bad,

but i also felt this way when i was still with you.
this is no longer mine, there's sadness written on every corner.




i think i may be getting sick from stress.

but. on a much lighter note. i still enjoy the little things like eating noodles in the middle of the night, and smoking on the balcony, staring at the sky, listening to music. this is all on the balcony still. and butterscotch shots, which i cannot locate anymore. so its not that bad.
but i am still quite stressed.

i miss the good times. i cannot wait until december. i have a feeling i will be very happy in december. like happiest all year. time apart is just too stressful for me when there is no communication. i hate the internet. this is why i could never possibly handle being married to a business man hahaha. business trips will stress me out. i guess i should learn to be less affected by everything, but then where will i go?



so i'm sorry if i disappear for a while.

all the things i've tried to say were never easy to explain..

i was looking through photos and i came across these. and i can actually say that i was really happy that night. around that time, were some good fucking times man. i'll never forget it. best times this year. first half of this year basically. after january. i miss you jen. i miss you anant.

there were good times recently too. but few. special ones.

so i don't know what will happen.

THE FUTURE FREAKS ME OUT. i'm on fire. haha brings back old times. but yeah really, im scared but also, fuck that.

this is not a love song

i love how they looked so good together, yet had no photos together. ha. i have no faith in marriage. but things are meant to be hard i guess. the savoury moments are the juicy tough ones, otherwise where is the sweet if there is no sour? mmmm. it becomes sweeter because of the sour. you'd think that my parents would become sweeter because they are so sour but no, ha it doesn't work that way, silly me. there will never be photos of us all together, because my dad is the one who takes photos. sad.

why isn't the internet working?

i want to go out and play with my new camera but i have no time. i'm very tired of working. and i'm tired of people leaving. damn you uwcsea for giving people the urge to fuck off to uni. no one ever comes back for good. because no one is singaporean. because singaporeans arent allowed to go to that school unless they make a big deal and have a big suitcase full of cash for some bizarre reason.

and while we are on this topic, whats going on here?! i mean haha what do i know, i can't even come up with the right kind of vocabulary to put out what i'm trying to say. but they are screwing it up slowly for themselves. i dont think its going to work, the casino, all the new buildings that will cost your organs, a few arms and all your legs to live in, all the new hotels. singapore is very green, i agree, but they are plucking out all the trees for this. and planting bushes. i'm ranting and it's not making sense because its quite an effort for me to think of words to describe this haha.

but i don't get it. confuse.

"unfolds feelings you might have trashed"

Initially a ‘t- shirt publication’ formed by two lonely designers from east London, in attempt to document emotions, statements, expressions that conditions human idiosyncrasies, T-BOOK is now full apparel collection.
Perennially love-struck, their t-sare coming apart at the seams with rose-coloured storylines and mix and match words for every guy and gal who wears their heart on their sleeve.
This season sees T-BOOK ’s pages clouded by lonely hearts, pining like MISSING MACHINES. Machines, as a visual metaphor for the relentlessness of missing someone. Or rather, today’s machines such as phones and clocks and laptops, that keep love together or apart.
Cogs and nuts and bolts became beautiful pattern prints on garments, as if the clothes are the machines that unleash what the hearts want to say, very boldly, ‘I MISS U’ or ‘LOVE DON”T WEAR AWAY’. There are also cheeky ‘SO LONG’ mitten scarves and sleeves to hold your person from faraway.


i love it.
missing machines. oh my god.

i won't forget, i won't forget.

the way you said move on, move on, there's nothing changing. and while i'm waiting for something to say, how will you know if he's kind? i will wait for you, but please come soon. you've seen more than we know, hold on. in the meantime, i have nothing to say. happiness only reminds me of the people i hurt and the mistakes that i made when i was down. where are you going? i want to find love here. i knew somehow, when you looked up and over me. it means nothing to you. you could go all day and not make a sound. you make me lonely when you're here. when you're not here.

yeaah so, it kind of occured to me today that i'm slowly losing my mind. even with all the people that i know, somehow, i just don't spend enough time with them to feel like it was like most excellent savoury times. its stressing me out because i want to spend more time with everyone but i have a million things to do all the time. it's been ages since i stayed out all night with someone and just talked. ok that was a lie, i did it on tuesday with ed, and that was probably the first time we actually hung out like that, and it was weird and wonderful. which is why i'm suddenly thinking that i need to do this more often because its what we need. to save us haha corny. i don't need a boyfriend, as my mother seems to think otherwise. fill up these spaces with days.

things that have happened in the past. that have probably pushed me in this direction. today, my mother told me that when i was born, her mother was the one that took care of me when my mother couldnt handle it, which was often. and then i thought.. what if thats the reason i feel like crying every time i think about my grandmother? i miss her so much, even when i see her, because i know that i've missed out on so much with her. this weird attatchment i have to her is cos she was the one that was there for me, she was the face that i saw. and then now i hardly see her and it breaks my heart. and i also thought about why i also feel this way about my father.. even though he is here often enough. he's the most annoying person i've ever known in my entire life but i still feel like this. time feels wasted, and the future feels pushed for time. i'm not making the most of this time, when i should. i think that this is what is really bothering me, that there isn't enough time for anything and anyone. i mean, there is, but also, its never enough.

it's too much thinking to wrap myself around right now. i'm tired. there is this annoying beeping sound coming from outside and it's distracting me. i thought it was my alarm clock first, then i thought it was my phone.. but soon realised it wasnt even inside my house.

now i've lost what i was saying.

and while i'm waiting,

and in the meantime,
i have nothing to say.
for no one.

the construction sites are lovely. i want to go inside, but i'm not sure if they would let me, and i'm not sure if it is safe. for a large number of reasons.

you're not burning enough of your body to be loved.

haha i just watched 13 going on 30 and got really sad. how strange, maybe because that guy is so motherfucking hot, haha na, but yeah he is but no. i have no clue, what a strange feeling for such a crap movie.

anyways, i have nothing to say because i can't quite gather my thoughts right now.. so here's something to look at instead.

the view from outside the studio. it's not that nice, but it was a nice day. strange shadows and strangely gloomy and sunny at the same time. very bizarre. i like.

reminds me of edward hopper's paintings. great weather. wish it was like this every fucking day. i love it when you can feel a storm coming, and you're not in a rush to do anything so you just hang out with the weather and it holds you. haha sometimes, when it rains while its sunny i feel like its the end of the world. or when you can see a massive black cloud but underneath it, it's all bright and light. yesterday i saw on the roof of vivo city around 7pm and i swear it was like a fucking painting. i wanted it to stay that way forever. it was like a progression from left to right of blues to browns. and all the clouds were all puffy and smooth. and in the middle was a motherfucking rainbow. ugh.

but, if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. -Pablo Neruda

i cannot hear with these clouds in my ears.